Awesomely Bad Movies - Kickboxer 3: The Art of War

By now you may have got the impression that I'm a big movie fan. It's true. I love movies, and one of my favorite kind of movie is the "Awesomely Bad Movie." What constitutes an Awesomely bad movie you ask? To me it's a movie that isn't just bad, It's awfulness is so bad it falls into a category that it is so bad it's the only reason you're watching it. Not only is it the only reason you're watching it, but at about the quarter mark of the movie you completely forget that the movie is awful and you begin to enjoy it. (By now you're probably wonder what this has to do with hockey, it doesn't just try to enjoy it anyways.

Think of it being a rainy Saturday, between 11:30am-3:00pm, chances are if you turn on Fox, CW, TBS, TV38 etc. an awesomely bad movie will be on. When I was younger they'd be on Fox right after the Saturday morning lineup was over. I'd always leave the TV on and they'd undoubtedly come on and I'd half pay attention even if I had little interest. I thinks that's what developed my love for awesomely bad movies.

That brings us to the movie I watched on this rainy Saturday morning, Kickboxer 3: The Art of War. I had a special interest in revisiting this movie, because this was one of the awesomely bad movies(ABM) that I caught when I was younger, I remember enjoying it as an ABM and had not seen it since. Let me tell you, the Awesomely Badness holds up. At first I was watching it and thought I was going to loose interest, 10 minutes later I felt like this movie was gold. How is this movie not more popular? I bet half the people reading this (if anyone is) didn't even know they made three Kickboxer movies. Not only did they make three, they ended up making five! FIVE KICKBOXER MOVIES!

And even the titles alone are classic. They have the classic 80's-90's sequel title format, [Insert movie title] [insert installment #] [colon] [tacky tagline that doesn't necessarily have to do with the plot]. Seriously when it comes to titles Kickboxer is the gift that just keeps on giving. Kickboxer 2: The Road Back. Kickboxer 3: The Art of War. Kickboxer 4: The Aggressor. Kickboxer 5: The Redemption.

So let's breakdown this weeks spotlight, KB3: The Art of War. Contrary to the title the movie has nothing to do with the Art of War. It doesn't even have to do with either Art or War. The most accurate title for the movie would probably be: KB3: Cody Lambert takes on Brazil - Because that's basically what the movie is. It has very little to do with the other Kickboxer installments. Not that this really matters, in fact I beleive that if it did try to tie itself to the other installments this movie wouldn't have been as enjoyable.

I may be going too fast here, I bet some of you out there are saying "Who the Hell is Cody Lambert?" So let me back this up. The movies protagonist, David Sloan, is played by actor Sasha Mitchell who was best known for his role on ABC's TGIF family sitcom "Step by Step," as Cody Lambert. So note to yourself that from now on both the actor and character are going to be referred to as Cody Lambert, I'll explain why I'm doing this.

Sasha Mitchell has a very distinct way of acting, and because of this no matter what role he is in everyone thinks of the role he's best known for, which is Cody Lambert. Seriously he could be a puppy drowning psychopath but as soon as I hear his surfer styled voice, I expect him to say "dudesy" and go back to his van in Uncle Frank's driveway. It's a weird subcategory of typecasting, and it makes these actors seem much bigger than they really are.

For example, do you know who Reginald VelJohnson is? No. But you know who Carl Winslow is, right? Yeah, he's the guy from "Family Matters" who's always yelling at Urkel. In the show, he's also a Chicago Police Officer. VelJohnson is also in "Die Hard" and "Die Hard 2", in those he's an Los Angles Police Officer. In "Turner & Hooch" he's a Detective. In "Plain Clothes" he's a Captain. Hell, he's even in the first Ghostbusters movie as a jail guard. Now isn't it more fun to pretend he's Carl Winslow in all of those movies? Of course it is. I've been doing it for so long that I half expect to see a crossover episode where Jon McClane has to rescue Steve Urkel from terrorists, who are making Urkel construct a nuclear bomb, and Carl Winslow and McClane have to race against time before Urkel accidentally knocks over the nuclear bomb leading to the ultimate "Did I do that?" Because Reginald VelJohnson/Carl Winslow led to me coming up with the theory this typecasting subcategory shall now be known as "Winslow Level." Sasha Mitchell is in the Winslow Level and shall now only be known as Cody Lambert. Oh and I know what you're thinking Reginald VelJohnson played as a limo driver in "Crocodile Dundee" - that was before he joined the academy.

To further my point with Mitchell's Winslow status, we all know Cody in "Step by Step" was a stoner. Yeah they couldn't show that on a family show, and just played it off like he was just stupid, but you really know he's toking up in his van. THE GUY LIVES IN A VAN (down by the river j/k) PARKED IN HIS UNCLES DRIVEWAY. Listen that alone tells you he's a druggie. Now imagine Cody Lambert not under the influence... Yeah that's how Sasha Mitchell plays the character David Sloan, and that's why he's known only as Cody Lambert. One day Cody kicked the habit and ended up world champion kickboxer, that's why he was instantly missing from "Step by Step" cast one day. Also to further my evidence of this, there was a couple of episodes of "Step by Step" where Cody used martial arts.

Okay so lets get into the movie plot. Cody goes to Brazil to have an exhibition of his world champ skills. Before the exhibition he befriends a 8-year-old pick pocket who tried to rob him. Cody takes the 8-year-old kid, and his sister (sister doesn't have a line through the whole movie) to his exhibition. During the exhibition we're introduced to this animal of a fighter (he doesn't have any lines either, he just growls through the entire movie). The said fighter is managed by your stereotypical sleazy rich white guy. The Sleazy Rich guy kidnaps the Pick Pockets sister because he of course owns a child sex slave operation. Cody of course finds out and tries to rescue her, when he does, he is captured and then baited to fight the animal fighter for the Pick Pocket sister's freedom. Of course I don't need to tell you what happens from then, you can piece that together.

My first thoughts after the movie ended: "I can't believe this movie got away with having two main characters that didn't have any lines." Secondly, there is a scene with the sleazy white guy is talking about his scheme over a lobster dinner. Then he complains about how cold the lobster is, then yells to his cook "Fernando!" Is there a more genius scene you can think of? Is there anything else they've could have done to make the movie's villain more unlikeable? The idea of a rich white guy living in a Brazil ghetto, plotting evil schemes about child sex slavery over lobster dinner, which he takes one bite and complains and yells to his local cook, is so over the top it screams awesomeness.

Anyways, Lions Gate Films put the entire movie up on YouTube, and according to IMDB.com since it's been up KB3 has dropped 6% in popularity. Why is this? The movie is at an all time low 2.6 stars out of 10 on IMDB. This is a travesty! This movie maybe terrible, but it's highly enjoyable. I've seen much shittier movies (not enjoyable ones either) with higher IMDB rankings. This needs to stop. If you're reading this watch KB3 and then vote on IMDB. This movie my be a C lister on the cult classic scale, but this movie deserves better, damn it!

Directed by: Rick King
Written by: Dennis A. Pratt [The guy that gave us Leprechaun 4: In Space]
Released: June 1992
Running Time: 92 min

Watch the entire movie here: Kickboxer 3: The Art of War

Oh and PS kudos to the people that cut the trailers to the Kickboxer movies, they're much better than the movies themselves. Here they are if you want to see them. KB1 KB2 KB3

New England Hockey Guy is an independent feature and does not necessarily reflect the views of Boston Rink Rats.

98.5 The Sports Hub Strikes Again

I know those who read this site, if there is anyone who reads it, don't really come here for news - you come here for opinion. So you're in for a treat here, because this morning you're getting both!

On my morning drive I was listening to Toucher and Rich (TAR) on The Sports Hub (98.5 FM). A Bruins fan called in and asked TAR if they had any plans for Bruins on air presence, since Aaron Ward went to Carolina - and subsequently ended Ward Wednesdays.

TAR then said they would in fact have a Bruins presence, and unofficially announced that they were planning on power forward Milan Lucic being a frequent guest, and last season's Vezina winner Timmy Thomas would be stopping in time to time. TAR then went on to praise hockey and say that having a Bruins presence is important for them.

Whether or not they're saying this because 98.5 is the new home of the Bruins isn't important. Back when TAR was on WBCN they were the only show in town to talk about the B's, even 3 years ago, when they were the black sheep of Boston. So I believe these guys are genuine.

As an avid sports fan, and die hard hockey fan, living in Greater Boston I have to say 98.5 is doing a great job since they went on air. Anyone who lives in the area can attest to WEEI having a foothold on the sports market, but every Bruins fan knows they seldom talk hockey. When they do it's usually talking about the Bruins in a negative light - except when the playoff bandwagon horn blows, then the WEEI staff suddenly breaks out Bruins sweater. If the Sports Hub continues to market the Bruins... Strike that point. If The Sports Hub continues to treat the B's as an EQUAL to the Sox, Pats and Celts, Bruins fans are going to jump ship from WEEI, and hopefully that coupled with the FM vs AM benefits 98.5 can compete with the Boston Sports Media juggernaut.

Thumbs up, Sports Hub!

--Let me just say, I spent the entire day yesterday excited to play the PS3 demo for NHL10, only to get home and it not be on the PlayStation store site. Seriously guys, Xbox 360 has had the fucking demo for a week now, I just want to play it. Hell, I'd even settle for the 2K10 demo at this point. Whenever they put it up there for download (if they ever do) look for my review of both shortly after.

--I'm beyond sick of this whole Phoenix Coyotes/NHL/Bettman/Balsillie/Hamilton situation. Every morning when I do my morning internet rounds I see a new story about it, and it just gets more and more absurd. It just sucks that after a great season, a better post season and then an unbelievable Finals we get this crap. It was starting to look like the NHL was starting to climb out of the hole it was in and begin to compete with the NBA, then they have to drag this into court and make the league look stupid. Just find a settlement and end this soap opera.

New England Hockey Guy is a feature and does not necessarily reflect the views of Boston Rink Rats.

Checking in

Sorry to keep this short. I was just doing my daily internet rounds and was annoyed one of my favorite columnists hasn't written anything in awhile, only to realize I haven't written anything in awhile. Though I don't think anyone is annoyed of my absence, I don't want to be a hypocrite, so I'll at least touch base with you guys.

--I've been busy working on a project with a friend, we're making a video game, with myself writing. Which is an enormous workload, but the bulk of it should come when the season starts, which I was planning on talking a break from here anyways when Rupam comes back. But I just started it - which the beginning is a lot of work too, so that's one reason for it. But I should have another article up by week's end.

--Also have you checked out 98.5 The Sport's Hub, the new home of your Boston Bruins, yet? Make sure to do it. WEEI has been kicking around the Bruins and their fans over the past couple of years(except for a couple of the guys, Bruins fans know who they are), and it's nice to get an alternative to the self proclaimed "highest rated sports station in the country" (Trust me they wont let you forget that. Also it's nice to get a channel that doesn't become inaudible when you drive under power lines.

--I'll be at the Bruins Opener thanks to my friend, Dave. I'll be sure to write something on the event, and will probably be down in Boston all of that day.

--Go see both District 9 and Inglorious Basterds, both movies rock. Going to see Halloween 2 next week. I still don't get why the fuck Halloween needs to come out in August the last one did that too. Annoying. Oh and the trailer for Law Abiding Citizen looks awesome, can't wait for that one.

--The demo for NHL '10 came out for X360 last week, since I have a PlayStation 3 I have to wait until tomorrow. Being an avid gamer I'm sure I'll be playing the demo nonstop until the full games release.

--That's about it, I suppose. Look for a new post within the week. Have anything say or ask, either comment in the section below or email me, I'll be sure to get back to you.

When in Doubt Compare to Batman

I got this email shortly after Rink Rat Feedback posted, originally I was just going to edit it into the original post but the more and more I answered the question, I thought it deserved a new entry. More Rink Rat Feedback!

Reading back on some of your other posts I saw that you’re trying to stay away from Bruins talk and just focus on Hockey in General, but just out of curiosity if you go back to any point in NHL history and relive that era over again (or for the first time) what era would you pick? Catch is you don’t know any outcomes or look into the team’s future. Personally I’d go with Orr’s Bruins, it’s not everyday you get to watch greatness night in and night out, plus you get to see the Stanley Cup wins. – Mike, Nashua, NH


Don’t worry about the Bruins talk, I’ve thrown the rulebook out the window at this point. It’s true it’d be hard to pick against seeing Orr, especially since I’ve only seen footage of him because I was born in the 80’s. But honestly I hear so many old people that had jumped off the B’s bandwagon after Orr last town it makes me sick. I don’t want to be one of those bitter old men (I probably wouldn’t be regardless, but you never know).

I’d say it’s a toss up between the late 80’s-early 90’s B’s or the current regime. The late 80’s B’s would be amazing to see again, but I would ultimately be frustrated watching them not be able to win it all, or not signing that one final piece to the roster puzzle. It would almost be worth it though to see Bourque and Neely in their prime.

But the current regime (2006/07 season to current) is that rags to riches story that I’m an absolute sucker for. You have to remember that two season ago these guys were playing, coached and ran terribly. They finally find their stride by going back to what made them popular to begin with. Which as a fan, frustrates me a little bit. It’s almost like the Batman movie series. “Batman” and “Batman Returns” were great because they were dark, cool gadgets, tongue in cheek humor, a few headline actors but mostly comprised of (at the time) role players. Then for “Forever” and “Batman and Robin” Joel Schumacher comes around and says basically changes everything you like about the series. Everything is bright, anime like, bat-mobile glows in the dark and rides up walls, Robin is brought in, camp humor etc. Not only that but every actor was the 90’s flavor of the month at one point – George Clooney, Val Kilmer, Jim Carrey, Nicole Kidman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tommy Lee Jones, Chris O’Donnel, Alicia Silverstone, Uma Thurman, etc.

Then they stop making the movies for awhile, then “Batman Begins” comes out, starts everything over. Batman is dark again, he can fight, no stupid one liners, basically were on a revamped version of the two we liked, and I’m sitting here saying “did those two crappy ones need to happen?” If the Bruins stuck to their guns to what ultimately made them successful, blue collar, hard working, role players (with a few headliners) they wouldn’t be in the basement of Boston’s fandom. It maybe because they tried to sign the “one last piece of the puzzle” too late, and in reality needed two pieces. But come the late 90’s early 00’s we had more of a finesse team than a smash mouth team, not only that but an underachieving finesse team. There’s nothing people in Boston hate more than to watch a bunch of guys trying too hard to look good, and don’t in the process.

But now we have the hardworking (can’t use underdog status after last season) smash mouth team that resembles the Big bad Bruins. And I’m sitting here saying “why didn’t we keep doing what made us successful?” Which is easy for me to say as a fan, but I’m sure it’s not that simple working in the front office. With Batman, even though I love the first two, I prefer the current series. I’m thinking the same with the Bruins, even though I love the older B’s, this current squad seems special. I’m just hoping I don’t read this a few years from now saying, “God, what was I talking about.”

But I think I’m going to take this question one step further, and lay out all of the eras of the league I’d prefer to go back to, catch is it’s a period you already witnessed.

NFL: Do you think I’m going to go back to when the Patriots were the doormats of the league, and every Sunday the Cowboys were winning on national TV? Good, because I’m not. But I’m a little torn on this one. Because the current NFL machine sickens me – I hate that everything about it - uniformed merchandising, all about money, playing regular season games in Europe, NFL network. So I’m going to say I’ll go back to 1996-2005 and just play that on loop for me, everything after is frustration and heartache.

NHL: Honestly – and I know I’m going to get crap for this – I prefer the current post lock out NHL. I really do. Though it’s tempting to go back and see Lemieux, Gretzky, Lindros, Bourque, etc part of seeing those guys comes with several annoyances – the Trap, tons of different mismatching jerseys for every team, tickets that cost a fortune, and a decade that had both the New York Rangers and Montreal Canadiens win the cup. And I saw all of that, and it was entertaining. But now you have guys like Ovechkin, Malkin, Crosby, Towes, Kane, etc. I’m not trying to compare these guys to living legends but I’m not one for the school of thought, “You’d rather see Ovechkin play over Lemieux?” It seems silly now to argue a sure thing, already happened career vs the mystery box. Unless you have a crystal ball you don’t know what the future of these guys is. Maybe I do sound a little like Peter Griffin right now weighing out the boat vs a mystery box, “A boat is a boat. But the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!” Wait, actually that sounds exactly like my argument. Moving on.

MLB: Though it pains me in every way to say this, but I’m going back to the 1998-2005 era. Listen, I hate PEDs more than anyone you know, and is part of the reason why I’m not as big as a fan as I was during the steroid era. But if I could go back, not knowing these clowns were juiced up, I would in a second – because it was the most exciting baseball I’ve ever seen. That’s when I lived and died on baseball -rivalries were rich, every pitch was important, Pedro was in his prime, 2004 Sox championship, life was good before the steroid scandal ruined it for me.

NBA: Bird era. It was that simple.

MLS: I know you’re probably thinking “why the hell is MLS on here?” I’ll save my why hockey fans should embrace MLS for another post. I’m a fairly new fan to the MLS, with the young league and so far no glory years for the local team, I’ll just say I wish I got into it a few years earlier. Not quite as far back when the league was still an Americanized joke, but right about the beginning when the league started saying “ditch the Americanized crap, if we put out a decent product people will start watching” which from what I’ve read was probably 2005 or 2006 season, (so I only missed a couple of the decent years). Seriously give it a chance, it’s pretty good to watch during the hockey off season. But again more on that later.

Questions, comments and feedback email me at nehockeyguy@yahoo.com

Rinkrat feedback

So my basketball piece got a few comments, so I thought I'd answer their emails directly in post. If anything I'll use the opportunity to prove someone has read something of mine.


Your post about what you would change about basketball is ridiculous. Why not lower the hoop to be 4 feet high? You could name it Powerball. Oh wait, American Gladiators already did that. - Ken



Hey, it's a work in progress. And are you telling me that that you wouldn't watch competitive Powerball? I find that hard to believe. Now I'm not talking American Gladiators version, I mean if the had legit teams from cities television and stuff. Besides the Gauntlet Powerball was always my favorite part of AG, it was the only thing that sort of resembled an actual sport.

Anyways, I want the high hoops in my sport. It seems like it would add something to it. It would also bring different type of players to the table, power players, finesse, shooters etc.

You know, not all sports need to have hitting. - John

I'm well aware. You should keep in mind, that this is just for fun and from a hockey fans perspective. Plus I'm not the first that thought hitting in basketball would be a good idea. I honestly thing it's crappy that the MJ influence has top tier players jumping into people to draw fouls, and I think it would be cool/funny if someone would lay them out.



I know that was short, I was just astounded when I saw my inbox had 2 unread messages in it, so I thought I would write this up to hopefully boost reader emails. Crossing fingers. So email me at nehockeyguy@yahoo.com about stories, anything hockey related, or just anything sports, movie, whatever related I don't really care - I'm just looking for feeback here. So again nehockeyguy@yahoo.com

Do yourself a favor. Make your own net.

Before you read this, go find a replacement net for a goal.




If you're reading this I don't have to tell you hockey probably is the most expensive sport out there - save for some possible weird European sport I've never heard of before. So whenever us hockey players have a chance to save a buck here and there, we should take advantage of it. I recently tried to find a street hockey net for shooting around. Problem was the cheapest I could find was a small flimsy net that was $70.

Build your own, it's much cheaper. I'll tell you how to make a decent net easily for about $40 (that's mine in the picture above). Trust me you can do it, I'm probably the least handy person there is, and I did it.

You need PVC piping, they're about $2.70 a piece. I went to Lowes they only had them in nine Foot and five foot. You want the 1.25 diameter. With a NHL regulation net being 6X4 I got 2 pieces of 9 foot and 2 five footers, along 6 90 degree PVC elbows (I think they were $2.00 a peice.) So you should be leaving the hardware store for about $22.80. (It didn't seem that much when I was there, I made 2 trips.)

So grab a hack saw and a tape measure, if you don't have one (I didn't) trust me you know someone who does, so just borrow them (whole thing takes about an hour to do). So measure out six feet on the nine foot PVC pipe, and cut the six foot piece, do this twice (Don't throw away the 3 foot leftovers). Now take the 5 footers and cut a foot off of both of them, twice also.

Now if you're a handy person (I'm not as I told you), you're saying "the PVC elbows are going to add about 2 inches." And you're right. So hopefully you're reading this all the way through and not step by step, because I'm telling you my annoying method, and the way I did it. So cut off 2 inches on all of your piping.


After you snap it together the frame should look like this.

Now comes the hard part, finding the netting. I searched high and low and came to this discover: check Modell's. I know what you're thinking, Modell's sells clothes and a small amount of equipment. I know, this is probably why I wasted 4 hours before checking there. Even though they have a small amount of equipment, street hockey is one of the ones they're most stocked in. They had a replacement net for $17.99.

Check Modell's first. Don't waste your time at Sports Authority, Olympia Sports, Pure Hockey, Walmart, Target - I even went to rinks and other hockey specific stores. People at Sports Authority told me to check a fishery, Skater's Edge quoted me on a order for $71.99 - check Modell's first.

Now the net I got at Modell's was a little short on the width side, so if that happens to you modification is as easy as sawing off another foot of you 6 foot pieces (you may not even have to do this.)

My netting just had me slide the piping through pockets. Snapped all the pieces together, and I was ready to go.


Questions, comments and feedback email me at nehockeyguy@yahoo.com

If I controlled the world, I'd change Basketball in a big way

Seriously, I would. Not only that, I think people would prefer to watch my version more. No Joking, my idea should at least become it's own sport. Growing up in the Greater Boston Area, it''s hard for me not to like the Celtics. Honestly, I do like the Celtics. But I've discovered I can't stand basketball. Really, I can't. You probably have to literally pay me money to watch a game not featuring the Celtics. Which is weird because being born in 1984, the first 5-6 years of my life I was surrounded by Celtics stuff. If there are any basketball fans reading this - it's not like I didn't try. I've gone to games, bought clothing, hats, video games, and I enjoy that stuff, but watching basketball is terrible.

I waived the white flag on June 6th, 2009 so Game 6 of the NHL finals and Game 3 of the NBA finals (more on that in a minute). I attended the Red Sox-Yankees game at Fenway, I was taping the Stanley Cup Finals (I need to stop saying taping, we record now) so I didn't want to know what was going on. As we made our way back to our trusty parking garage, we saw that the Poor House (decent bar) had the game on TV. My brother-in-law, Ryan, checked out the scene, he said that there was about 5-3 minutes left in the game. I figure what the heck, why not? I didn't realize I was in store for an extremely exciting ending. Including a fantastic last 30 seconds where Fleury stopped Datsyuk's shot, then falling out of position. Then Johan Franzen shoots on a seemingly wide open net, only to have defenceman Rob Scuderi blocked three Frazen shots with his skates, Pens win. Unbelievable right?

I rode an excitement high from that ending, only to have it ruined by Game 3 of the NBA Finals. My excitement was drained in what could be best described as a leak. A slow drip, then a trickle, then I lost all interest in the game, to the point I wanted to leave the bar, I was bored. During my 25 year old life I've learned the following things about NBA games: 1) The score doesn't matter for until the last 3 minutes of the game (seriously a team that's down by 30 points in the first will tie it at the half) and 2) the last 3 mins of is unbelievably slow where apparently both teams have unlimited timeouts and you'll see at least 10 minutes of commercials.



Anyways, so when I was watching the game I saw Kobe Bryant (the "most exciting player in the game") run into the defender (I don't like not knowing what I'm talking about so I'll be honest, I don't know who it was) Kobe falls over, whistles sound - but the call was on the defender! "Kobe was called for charging, right?" no Ryan explains to me, "defenders feet were moving, it's on him." I literally started laughing, because it was obvious Kobe leaped into the guy because he knew his feet were moving, pretty much automatic two points. It's literally the stupidest rule I've ever heard. That was the moment I realized I'm never going to like basketball. Anyway hilarity ensued on the way back to the car because every time Ryan moved his feet I jumped into him, then calling a foul. (more on fouls in a second)

But I feel bad that I have to miss out on this whole basketball phenomenon (save for the Celts). So I propose some rule changes that I think would make an unbelievable sport that's based off of basketball. I don't really have a cool name for it, if you do email me, until then it'll just be "Hockey Fan Ball."

First off, that for mentioned rule is gone. In fact if you try to charge in for a dunk/lay-up, the defense is allowed to hit you (yes in Hockey Fan Ball, there are pads). I know what you B-Ball fans are saying, "that's stupid how would he get to the net?" Doesn't the sound of LeBron weaving through missed hits like a running back, flooring a defender with a hit then slamming a two hand tomahawk jam, sound amazing to you? Forget the rules, wouldn't that be amazing? That's what I thought. LeBron wants to be a football player anyways, you've seen those commercials with him in Cleveland Browns gear.



I know dribbling can be tough as you're dodging 6'5'' guys, so we'll create a Travel Box. In the box you're allowed to tuck the ball in, lower your shoulder and go to town. It doesn't have to be big, enough to gain momentum (3 steps?) So maybe 2 feet out from the Key (basketball jargon). Defenders aren't allowed hit the offense outside the 3 point marker, but inside the player with the ball is free game.

We're changing the term from Fouls to Penalties. Why? Because I hate the fact that hockey get picked on for not having 4 quarters like basketball and football. So Fouls are Penalties to be more like Hockey and Football.

We're changing the clock from 12 minute quarters to 15 minute quarters, and having a continuous clock.

Also my sport/league is played in the summer. Why is basketball played in the winter anyways? The players wear shorts and sleeveless jerseys, what is wintry about that? Doesn't the sound of an outdoor basketball game sound awesome? I think so. People play basketball more in the summer anyways, it's more natural for it to be played in the summer, Heck, the Olympics have it right - Basketball is a summer game.

That's about it for now. I'll probably be forced to watch another NBA game during the winter, so I'll probably add to my sport then. I mean seriously you're telling me you wouldn't watch it?


Questions, comments or suggestions email me at nehockeyguy@yahoo.com

Top ten floor hockey annoyances

The first thing you have to know about me is that I am very ambitious. I often think of a million great ideas, which will either land me a ton of money or into super stardom. The second thing you need to know about me is I am lazy as hell. So with that being said, New England Hockey guy is changing formats a little bit. I’m still intending to do the projects I set out to do, but I’m also mixing in some more articles that don’t take so much… how do I put this?... effort? I’m half joking of course, but with summer in full swing I seemed to just be pushing my start date for projects back week by week.

I don’t think many or any people read this anyways, so I know I’m probably the only one excited about my return. Anyways I was reading an article on ESPN page 2, and it was very entertaining. Only problem being that I didn’t relate to it whatsoever, so I just kept comparing the basketball characters to hockey, in which case they didn’t always fit. And that’s not even touching the topic of hockey has a much wider array of characters. With that I’m pretty much going to rip off the article and repackage it for us puck heads. And playing a lot of street hockey lately, I’ve decided to keep this edition geared towards ice hockey’s summer cousin. I also have to preface the article with saying, we’re all guilty of this to a degree, but these guys seem to live the role.

10. The Guy that didn’t realize hockey is hard – These guys are uncommon in floor hockey leagues, because when you have to hash out money to play it weeds them out. But in street hockey they’re a dime a dozen. They’re annoying because you’ll divvy up the teams, and be about 45-50 minutes in before they realize they’re not having fun. Why aren’t they having fun? Because they suck. This moron actually thought he could pick up the game in 20 minutes tops. “It didn’t look hard.” Ugh. These guys kill me, especially if you have a competitive game going, because this jerk will be the one who ends it, because, no doubt you have this guys annoying cousin playing in the game too; which brings us to…

9. The quitter - These guys are the ones that will bring the game to an end. Because they’re not having any fun either, they usually think they’re better than they really are. Before the game starts they’re envisioning scoring like 5 goals - Ovechkin style too probably- and they’re barley the supporting cast. So when someone suggests the ends, they jump at it. Why? It probably has something to do with the longer the game goes, the more frustrated they get. At the 20min mark in the game they’ll think “Man, I don’t have it today.” 30min mark “Why am I so bad?” 40min mark “Maybe, I’m not as good as I tho…” (this is the point the Guy that didn’t realize hockey is hard will call the game). Then they’ll chalk up their thoughts to just having an off day, they are really a prolific goal scorer – Let them have it.

8. The Crybaby – If you are reading this, then I don’t have to tell you hockey players are a unique breed. They smell funny, they like goofy haircuts, and they’re tough. Seriously, they could get hit by a Mack Truck and hit by lightning at the same time and they’ll still want to play. The Crybaby is at the other end of the spectrum. Everything makes them either want to A) stop playing or B) take a break. They’re constantly fishing for compliments too, especially when they’re doing bad. Their mating call is something to the effect of “Man, everyone forces turnovers on me, I can’t do anything out there. I don’t get it!” You’ll ignore them because you’re still flustered about the four turnovers they made in 10 seconds. Every time the other team scores, they want to come out of the game. When they pull a Charlie "Spazway" Conway, scoring despite their terribleness, they’ll practically take an add out to let the world know, and you hear about how great it was for at least a calendar year, trust me, you will.

7. The Guy that Wears too much pads – There’s nothing wrong with being safety conscience. In fact when I joined a co-ed floor hockey league this past spring, I started by wearing my backup ice hockey gloves, shin pads (not ice hockey), a mouth guard and safety glasses (league regulation). Having never played in the league before, I really didn’t know what to expect, so I figure it’s better for me to be ready for some rough play.

By the third game of the season my equipment basically was whittled down to the mouth guard and glasses. That being said, there was a couple people who wore full on hockey helmets – cage and all! They even had ice hockey shin pads taped onto their legs. The only problem – besides looking goofy – is that they play like you have the same equipment on. I know they don’t mean to either, hockey equipment is so good that most times you don’t feel incidental contact, which during the heat of the moment you forget about the fact that your opponents aren’t dressed like a Spartan Warrior. Which anyone who’s taken a stick on the hand or to the shin knows, it sucks.

6. The High Diver – This annoys me to no end. You’re playing a game where if you’re no better than someone, you can still keep up with them, if not strive to be better. No, this jackass rather mail it in and dives to get a call. He’ll step on your stick mid stride; look up for the tripping call. I really don’t need to go further, it’s pissing me off thinking about him.

5. The Old Guy at the Club – You know who I’m talking about. Everyone who’s ever played any sports game – softball, basketball, etc. knows who I’m talking about. This guy infests everywhere. He sucks because he takes it waaay too seriously, and he can’t keep up with the younger guys, so he “levels the playing field” (cheap shots). Not only that, he bitches about everything. Listen, I know I’ll be there someday, but if I’m still playing sports at 45 and I’m frustrated with my life, I will not take it out on people at recreational floor hockey, I just won’t. It’s annoying because every once and awhile on the ice you’ll see some 75 year old guy who can barely stand, but will still school you without breaking a sweat. And I’d rather be that guy than, a 45 year old who can’t do anything but bitch and cheap shot. Take a hint asshole, hang them up.

4. Guy who thinks this is an actual ice hockey game – Ever go into the corner and get the ball, only to be plowed over by some guy with missing teeth and a mullet? Yeah that’s the guy I hate. I don’t mind competitive guys; I’m talking about the guys who foil the knuckles before the game. have holes in their gloves to they can slip out their hand and pull you down. They guys who show up wearing skates and say only sissies play in sneakers.

I don’t mind a forearm shiv here and there. When you’re working the boards against another person who you can tell plays hockey on a regular basis, stuff likes that is even fun – Adds to the game. I’m talking about the guy, who plays that way 24/7. Hell, sometimes they’ll even try to drop the gloves with you when you call them out on it. Then they call you a “sissy” when you tell them, “Dude relax, you realize you’re only in a co-ed recreational floor hockey league, right?” Sometimes they’ll snap out of their PTSD flashbacks, sometimes they won’t.

3. The Cujo Clone – Everyone who plays floor/street hockey knows this guy. He’s very common, he shows up in 2000 era regulation goalie pads. Only to add to this, he usually has an authentic Curtis Joseph, Martin Brodeur or a Dominik Hasek on. When you see this guy take net, you know you’re in for a long game. You can’t blame the guy, because you know the captain of the team sought him out. He probably mentioned in passing that he was a high school goalie in some low level division – which in these floor hockey leagues they look like pros – captain’s will practically pay money for a goalie like that. We’re all guilty of trying to get these guys on our team, it just never happens, so when you actually see these guys show up, you’re not happy about it. You’ll pepper him with shot the entire game, maybe get one in if you’re lucky, but since you don’t have a Cujo clone in your corner, you will undoubtedly lose.

2. The Coach Jack Riley – No one likes losing, but this guy doesn’t know the word. If you get on his team and you’re not really good - I mean really good – Do yourself a favor and ask for a refund because you will not have any fun all season. This guy usually has a group, friends he has somehow assembled, they will freeze you out if you’re not good. They’ll ignore you, you won’t receive passes, and sometimes they’ll even take the puck away from you. The Coach Jack Riley has one focus: winning. They’ll schedule practices with wind sprints and give motivational speeches pregame, probably some Cobra-Kai brain washing phrase, something along the lines of “don’t compete if you can’t win.” Playing against these guys is almost just as bad. If you score he’ll probably send a goon – yeah these guys carry goons on their teams – to take you out ala Adam Banks Mighty Ducks style.

1. The Girl with something to prove – Listen, I have absolutely nothing against girls playing. As long as they’re component, I’d welcome them on my team. What I’m talking about is the girl who plays ultra aggressive because they know they’re in a non-contact league. They get in your face, force you to the boards….

Let me get off on a little additional tangent here. Look, I weigh approximately 220lbs, when a girl, who weighs probably 115lbs forces you to the boards (probably the non-contact equivalent to a check against the boards), it pisses me off. Why? Because they’re banking on the fact that I’ll stop, that’s why. I don’t even have throw down a shoulder, I could just continue running, it will end her night. She could just as easily play the stick and force a turnover, but instead she’ll try to wedge you to the boards for it. Pisses me off, every time – and you know the first time they see a guy my size continue running they’ll probably stop doing it for life, because it will look ugly. They know us guys here don’t have the balls for it. If there is some asshole out there reading this, do us guys a favor, keep on truckin’. Bank on them moving for once.

Look for volume 2 of this at somepoint next year, between playing ice hockey and another tour of duty in floor hockey, I'm sure I'll dig up some more material. Speaking of which you can follow my team here. We're District 5 (Mighty Ducks is a sweet movie) We don't start playing till October, so I'll remind you later - I'll be practicing in the meantime. Speaking of practicing, I built a kickass street hockey net for under $30, more on that later. Questions, comments or suggestions email me at nehockeyguy@yahoo.com.