Top ten floor hockey annoyances

The first thing you have to know about me is that I am very ambitious. I often think of a million great ideas, which will either land me a ton of money or into super stardom. The second thing you need to know about me is I am lazy as hell. So with that being said, New England Hockey guy is changing formats a little bit. I’m still intending to do the projects I set out to do, but I’m also mixing in some more articles that don’t take so much… how do I put this?... effort? I’m half joking of course, but with summer in full swing I seemed to just be pushing my start date for projects back week by week.

I don’t think many or any people read this anyways, so I know I’m probably the only one excited about my return. Anyways I was reading an article on ESPN page 2, and it was very entertaining. Only problem being that I didn’t relate to it whatsoever, so I just kept comparing the basketball characters to hockey, in which case they didn’t always fit. And that’s not even touching the topic of hockey has a much wider array of characters. With that I’m pretty much going to rip off the article and repackage it for us puck heads. And playing a lot of street hockey lately, I’ve decided to keep this edition geared towards ice hockey’s summer cousin. I also have to preface the article with saying, we’re all guilty of this to a degree, but these guys seem to live the role.

10. The Guy that didn’t realize hockey is hard – These guys are uncommon in floor hockey leagues, because when you have to hash out money to play it weeds them out. But in street hockey they’re a dime a dozen. They’re annoying because you’ll divvy up the teams, and be about 45-50 minutes in before they realize they’re not having fun. Why aren’t they having fun? Because they suck. This moron actually thought he could pick up the game in 20 minutes tops. “It didn’t look hard.” Ugh. These guys kill me, especially if you have a competitive game going, because this jerk will be the one who ends it, because, no doubt you have this guys annoying cousin playing in the game too; which brings us to…

9. The quitter - These guys are the ones that will bring the game to an end. Because they’re not having any fun either, they usually think they’re better than they really are. Before the game starts they’re envisioning scoring like 5 goals - Ovechkin style too probably- and they’re barley the supporting cast. So when someone suggests the ends, they jump at it. Why? It probably has something to do with the longer the game goes, the more frustrated they get. At the 20min mark in the game they’ll think “Man, I don’t have it today.” 30min mark “Why am I so bad?” 40min mark “Maybe, I’m not as good as I tho…” (this is the point the Guy that didn’t realize hockey is hard will call the game). Then they’ll chalk up their thoughts to just having an off day, they are really a prolific goal scorer – Let them have it.

8. The Crybaby – If you are reading this, then I don’t have to tell you hockey players are a unique breed. They smell funny, they like goofy haircuts, and they’re tough. Seriously, they could get hit by a Mack Truck and hit by lightning at the same time and they’ll still want to play. The Crybaby is at the other end of the spectrum. Everything makes them either want to A) stop playing or B) take a break. They’re constantly fishing for compliments too, especially when they’re doing bad. Their mating call is something to the effect of “Man, everyone forces turnovers on me, I can’t do anything out there. I don’t get it!” You’ll ignore them because you’re still flustered about the four turnovers they made in 10 seconds. Every time the other team scores, they want to come out of the game. When they pull a Charlie "Spazway" Conway, scoring despite their terribleness, they’ll practically take an add out to let the world know, and you hear about how great it was for at least a calendar year, trust me, you will.

7. The Guy that Wears too much pads – There’s nothing wrong with being safety conscience. In fact when I joined a co-ed floor hockey league this past spring, I started by wearing my backup ice hockey gloves, shin pads (not ice hockey), a mouth guard and safety glasses (league regulation). Having never played in the league before, I really didn’t know what to expect, so I figure it’s better for me to be ready for some rough play.

By the third game of the season my equipment basically was whittled down to the mouth guard and glasses. That being said, there was a couple people who wore full on hockey helmets – cage and all! They even had ice hockey shin pads taped onto their legs. The only problem – besides looking goofy – is that they play like you have the same equipment on. I know they don’t mean to either, hockey equipment is so good that most times you don’t feel incidental contact, which during the heat of the moment you forget about the fact that your opponents aren’t dressed like a Spartan Warrior. Which anyone who’s taken a stick on the hand or to the shin knows, it sucks.

6. The High Diver – This annoys me to no end. You’re playing a game where if you’re no better than someone, you can still keep up with them, if not strive to be better. No, this jackass rather mail it in and dives to get a call. He’ll step on your stick mid stride; look up for the tripping call. I really don’t need to go further, it’s pissing me off thinking about him.

5. The Old Guy at the Club – You know who I’m talking about. Everyone who’s ever played any sports game – softball, basketball, etc. knows who I’m talking about. This guy infests everywhere. He sucks because he takes it waaay too seriously, and he can’t keep up with the younger guys, so he “levels the playing field” (cheap shots). Not only that, he bitches about everything. Listen, I know I’ll be there someday, but if I’m still playing sports at 45 and I’m frustrated with my life, I will not take it out on people at recreational floor hockey, I just won’t. It’s annoying because every once and awhile on the ice you’ll see some 75 year old guy who can barely stand, but will still school you without breaking a sweat. And I’d rather be that guy than, a 45 year old who can’t do anything but bitch and cheap shot. Take a hint asshole, hang them up.

4. Guy who thinks this is an actual ice hockey game – Ever go into the corner and get the ball, only to be plowed over by some guy with missing teeth and a mullet? Yeah that’s the guy I hate. I don’t mind competitive guys; I’m talking about the guys who foil the knuckles before the game. have holes in their gloves to they can slip out their hand and pull you down. They guys who show up wearing skates and say only sissies play in sneakers.

I don’t mind a forearm shiv here and there. When you’re working the boards against another person who you can tell plays hockey on a regular basis, stuff likes that is even fun – Adds to the game. I’m talking about the guy, who plays that way 24/7. Hell, sometimes they’ll even try to drop the gloves with you when you call them out on it. Then they call you a “sissy” when you tell them, “Dude relax, you realize you’re only in a co-ed recreational floor hockey league, right?” Sometimes they’ll snap out of their PTSD flashbacks, sometimes they won’t.

3. The Cujo Clone – Everyone who plays floor/street hockey knows this guy. He’s very common, he shows up in 2000 era regulation goalie pads. Only to add to this, he usually has an authentic Curtis Joseph, Martin Brodeur or a Dominik Hasek on. When you see this guy take net, you know you’re in for a long game. You can’t blame the guy, because you know the captain of the team sought him out. He probably mentioned in passing that he was a high school goalie in some low level division – which in these floor hockey leagues they look like pros – captain’s will practically pay money for a goalie like that. We’re all guilty of trying to get these guys on our team, it just never happens, so when you actually see these guys show up, you’re not happy about it. You’ll pepper him with shot the entire game, maybe get one in if you’re lucky, but since you don’t have a Cujo clone in your corner, you will undoubtedly lose.

2. The Coach Jack Riley – No one likes losing, but this guy doesn’t know the word. If you get on his team and you’re not really good - I mean really good – Do yourself a favor and ask for a refund because you will not have any fun all season. This guy usually has a group, friends he has somehow assembled, they will freeze you out if you’re not good. They’ll ignore you, you won’t receive passes, and sometimes they’ll even take the puck away from you. The Coach Jack Riley has one focus: winning. They’ll schedule practices with wind sprints and give motivational speeches pregame, probably some Cobra-Kai brain washing phrase, something along the lines of “don’t compete if you can’t win.” Playing against these guys is almost just as bad. If you score he’ll probably send a goon – yeah these guys carry goons on their teams – to take you out ala Adam Banks Mighty Ducks style.

1. The Girl with something to prove – Listen, I have absolutely nothing against girls playing. As long as they’re component, I’d welcome them on my team. What I’m talking about is the girl who plays ultra aggressive because they know they’re in a non-contact league. They get in your face, force you to the boards….

Let me get off on a little additional tangent here. Look, I weigh approximately 220lbs, when a girl, who weighs probably 115lbs forces you to the boards (probably the non-contact equivalent to a check against the boards), it pisses me off. Why? Because they’re banking on the fact that I’ll stop, that’s why. I don’t even have throw down a shoulder, I could just continue running, it will end her night. She could just as easily play the stick and force a turnover, but instead she’ll try to wedge you to the boards for it. Pisses me off, every time – and you know the first time they see a guy my size continue running they’ll probably stop doing it for life, because it will look ugly. They know us guys here don’t have the balls for it. If there is some asshole out there reading this, do us guys a favor, keep on truckin’. Bank on them moving for once.

Look for volume 2 of this at somepoint next year, between playing ice hockey and another tour of duty in floor hockey, I'm sure I'll dig up some more material. Speaking of which you can follow my team here. We're District 5 (Mighty Ducks is a sweet movie) We don't start playing till October, so I'll remind you later - I'll be practicing in the meantime. Speaking of practicing, I built a kickass street hockey net for under $30, more on that later. Questions, comments or suggestions email me at nehockeyguy@yahoo.com.